Diary of An Insomniac

Just as a heads up - I can already see this post turning into something that just contains a lot of random thoughts, but I hope you'll stick through with it anyway.

After reading the header for this post, I know you're probably thinking that I'm being completely preposterous and potentially losing my mind a little - but I can't help how I feel. I study fashion, I have VDM as a hobby/first and only child and when I'm not doing either of those things, I'm working in retail helping customers at The White Company spend hundreds (sometimes thousands) of pounds in around five minutes or less. It's like I can't get away from it.

You know when you hear a song and it suddenly becomes the only thing you listen to for weeks on end, until one day you wake up and think 'maybe it's time to find a new song before I jam cotton wool in my ears'? Well I think that's how I'm feeling now about fashion. And if i'm honest, I've felt this way for a long, long time. I just haven't really done anything about it. 

The problem is that it just doesn't inspire me like it used to. In the space of a year, I've changed my views on a lot of things. Don't get me wrong, I'll never change my overall career path and steer away from the fashion industry (i'm not that crazy), but I feel like I need another contributor in my life that helps turn my inner creative wheel when fashion can't seem to do it any longer.

Thinking about it, maybe i'm using fashion as the issue, but really i'm just sick of life.

As it turns out, I've been thinking about my career/future a lot lately. I guess that's what happens when you have chronic recurring insomnia and can't get to sleep until the sky has started waking up. As someone who has never been without a to-do list or a plan in her twenty three years so far, going the last year or two without one has probably been the most nerve-wracking and terrifying thing that I've ever done. Let me fill you in a little.

Pre-breakup with my now ex-fiance of six years, I had everything sorted. Which career I would pursue, where I was going to live, how I was going to go about getting everything that I wanted. I even had a date set for when I was to be married and what I would name my kids when we had them in the future. My life was nothing compared to how it is now. Not even in the slightest. I look different, I feel different, - my motivation and enthusiasm has dropped completely - I'm single, I don't want to get married, nor do I want children, and until now I didn't know what the hell I was going to do with my life after I graduate in 2015. 

I read somewhere that we have two sense of selfs. Your present self and your future self. When someone tells you that you're young and to make decisions based on what is going to make you happy, you have to really think about which self you want to make happy. My present self goes out far too much, has wayyyy too many shots of tequila and until now, hasn't really thought about making many decisions based on shaping my future. Yes, I'm a university student and yes, these are the only three years of my entire life that I'm only going to be able to act this way. But it's starting to dawn on me that pushing uni work to the side just so that I can have that extra night out this week, isn't going to do me any favours. It's not going to make my future self happy and that's really what I should be thinking about more. This lifestyle also isn't going to help my love life any. I'm not really the affectionate type, but don't get me wrong, finding someone to share everything with is what I've always had at the top of my 'What Will Make Me Happy' list. 

So as of right now (Thursday, 13th March 2014 @ 03:43am) I'm going to try and make better decisions. Or at least decisions that are going to be a bit more beneficial to my future self overall. Starting with my career. I've decided that journalism is the only career path that I feel passionate about. My best friend has even told me that I'm not "allowed" to be anything other than a journalist. I'm not entirely sure about jumping straight into employment after graduating (unless an opportunity arose of course), so I've decided to look into studying a postgrad (MA) Fashion & Lifestyle Journalism course in London. First of all, the London location would sort where I move to; then the lifestyle integration in the course would broaden things a little and take it away from being primarily fashion all the time. And I've just always loved the idea of writing about the sorts of things that most people would only ever think and never say. I'm not really the type of person who holds back. Let's just put it that way. 

Secondly, I want to feel enthusiastic about writing again. I want to have that urge to sit down with a cup of coffee and my macbook and just write. I was thinking that I could perhaps start writing some more lifestyle-style blog posts on here, but for now I might just keep them in a separate document on my desktop and consider posting them later. Maybe even as a side column at some point. 

My third point has to do with matters of the <3 shaped organ in my chest. Although, if anyone knows how NOT to fall for the guy you can't have then please, be my guest and help a sister out. Alternatively, advice on how to see through BS would be fantastic as well. 

So after rambling on, I think I'm done. Maybe some of you will relate to parts - especially if you're a university student/party animal, or have had to rethink your entire life after a certain situation - or maybe you're just an insomniac like myself and my general ramblings have bored you so much that you're actually starting to feel sleepy. Either way, I'm glad you've made it through to the end.


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